I suppose this is the season that, for me brings out all the ghosts of Christmases Past, Present and the Future. Like in the Dickens Book, “A Christmas Carol”, I am sure we are all haunted by what was, what is and what life could have been. No way am I suggesting that we are “bad” people and we are suffering for the sins we have lived and are living, rather I am sure we can all reflect on how we grew up, which brings us to the way we are living now, which in turn gives us all a chance to reflect on how we can change our future. (That is, of course, if we want to.)
None of us need ancient spectres rattling chains, to remind us of our mistakes and often non-actions. If you are like me , you have lived most of your life living with the guilt and regret at the things we have done and the secrets we have kept. We are not like Scrooge in the novel, as we are not selfish, unfeeling and cold. Our past has been one of confusion, hiding, seeking love and approval. I don’t care what the critics say, what we have done in the past, has come from the primal need of self preservation. Sure our secrets shaped our lives, and we can be selfish as we find that morsel of self happiness, but we have all lived in fear of being humiliated and some have experienced the ridicule and violence that being different brings. Lets face it, unless we have a safe and understanding environment, no-one in there right mind will eagerly throw themselves under a bus, just to prove they are not being deceitful and narcissistic. I am tired of this gloomy ghost invading my joy.
We look at the ghost of Christmas present, and if we are critical we can peal back the layers of the life we are leading and see how it effects the way we live and those around us. BUT, IT’S NOT the time for self flagellation. Its a time for reflection and joy. Sure our Trans-ness, our Crossdressing, our desire to be authentic, has caused sadness and that sense of loss which impacts on our lives and on those who matter most to us. We are not the only ones that have lost hope or seen our future crash around us. But just ask yourself, can you change? Only you know that answer, but for me I know I am incapable to get rid of Jenny, as she is who I am. What the present tells me, is that I need to make acceptable compromises, so all can enjoy and live life to the fullest. I need to look at the present to see how things can evolve into the future.
The hardest Ghost to meet, for me, is the Ghost of Christmas future. She should be one of hope and change, that heralds a rosy optimism of transition. Every year I look forward to her message as I make my new years resolutions and dream about what I need to do. Then another year passes, more grey hairs appear and my female persona/ transition, takes another back step as there are still many things my male role needs to deal with. But I know Jenny is very patent, she has learnt over the years to be so. Even though those dysphoria blues can cloud my vision, I don’t mind waiting. Compared to most I am in a really good place. I am happy with my life/ Jenny balance.
I must admit that the last few weeks have been a real emotional roller coaster ride for me. Not only because the Christmas season sucks up any spare time I had, but this year there have been some good and bad curve ball thrown my way. Those niggling thoughts about Jenny, lost opportunities and the inability to act on my part, start plaguing me. Luckily these are usually balanced out nicely by the family gatherings, preparing the house for the Christmas onslaught and the festive season with all its trimmings. At this time of year there is never enough time to do anything. Its the time that I wish I could split my body and be Jenny full time (even though I wish that every waking moment), letting my male side get on with the work.
Now I am sure I am not the only one who experience these ghosts of Christmas and the crazy times around this time of year. Honestly I would enjoying reading your thoughts, so feel free to share them in the comments or message me privately. I am genuinely interested in hearing your experiences.