Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present & Future

I suppose this is the season that, for me brings out all the ghosts of Christmases Past, Present and the Future. Like in the Dickens Book, “A Christmas Carol”, I am sure we are all haunted by what was, what is and what life could have been. No way am I suggesting that we are “bad” people and we are suffering for the sins we have lived and are living, rather I am sure we can all reflect on how we grew up, which brings us to the way we are living now, which in turn gives us all a chance to reflect on how we can change our future. (That is, of course, if we want to.)

None of us need ancient spectres rattling chains, to remind us of our mistakes and often non-actions. If you are like me , you have lived most of your life living with the guilt and regret at the things we have done and the secrets we have kept. We are not like Scrooge in the novel, as we are not selfish, unfeeling and cold. Our past has been one of confusion, hiding, seeking love and approval. I don’t care what the critics say, what we have done in the past, has come from the primal need of self preservation. Sure our secrets shaped our lives, and we can be selfish as we find that morsel of self happiness, but we have all lived in fear of being humiliated and some have experienced the ridicule and violence that being different brings. Lets face it, unless we have a safe and understanding environment, no-one in there right mind will eagerly throw themselves under a bus, just to prove they are not being deceitful and narcissistic. I am tired of this gloomy ghost invading my joy.

The traditions and joy of Christmas present.

We look at the ghost of Christmas present, and if we are critical we can peal back the layers of the life we are leading and see how it effects the way we live and those around us. BUT, IT’S NOT the time for self flagellation. Its a time for reflection and joy. Sure our Trans-ness, our Crossdressing, our desire to be authentic, has caused sadness and that sense of loss which impacts on our lives and on those who matter most to us. We are not the only ones that have lost hope or seen our future crash around us. But just ask yourself, can you change? Only you know that answer, but for me I know I am incapable to get rid of Jenny, as she is who I am. What the present tells me, is that I need to make acceptable compromises, so all can enjoy and live life to the fullest. I need to look at the present to see how things can evolve into the future.

The hardest Ghost to meet, for me, is the Ghost of Christmas future. She should be one of hope and change, that heralds a rosy optimism of transition. Every year I look forward to her message as I make my new years resolutions and dream about what I need to do. Then another year passes, more grey hairs appear and my female persona/ transition, takes another back step as there are still many things my male role needs to deal with. But I know Jenny is very patent, she has learnt over the years to be so. Even though those dysphoria blues can cloud my vision, I don’t mind waiting. Compared to most I am in a really good place. I am happy with my life/ Jenny balance.

I must admit that the last few weeks have been a real emotional roller coaster ride for me. Not only because the Christmas season sucks up any spare time I had, but this year there have been some good and bad curve ball thrown my way. Those niggling thoughts about Jenny, lost opportunities and the inability to act on my part, start plaguing me. Luckily these are usually balanced out nicely by the family gatherings, preparing the house for the Christmas onslaught and the festive season with all its trimmings. At this time of year there is never enough time to do anything. Its the time that I wish I could split my body and be Jenny full time (even though I wish that every waking moment), letting my male side get on with the work.

A Christmas past.

Now I am sure I am not the only one who experience these ghosts of Christmas and the crazy times around this time of year. Honestly I would enjoying reading your thoughts, so feel free to share them in the comments or message me privately. I am genuinely interested in hearing your experiences.

6 thoughts on “Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present & Future

  1. Firstly Jenny let me wish you and your family real joy this Christmas. Yes the ghosts of years past! I am older than you I suspect. There are only a few benefits of age and one is wisdom.
    I now understand that things happen in the past that were products of the way humanity thought at that time. And damage was done to us all from that. But to use that Biblical term, shit happens (or to use the Latin, shittus occurrens).
    You are not a lesser person because you either experienced those things or caused others to do so.
    I am really sorry for some of my actions and ways of thinking in the past. I tried to be genuine and a “good” person and now, all these years later, with more awareness I am still trying to be those things. But I’m doing some things differently.
    We’re human (well most of us are).
    Just excuse each other and move on together.
    I think it was when I suddenly realised the need to explore and express a feminine side of me that I had never even guessed was there, and the accompanying need to dress, that I understood things that had been hidden to me all my life.
    Like inclusion. Inclusion of all. Even when I don’t understand. I don’t have to understand. That humility encourages me to accept, not understand.
    Dammit Jenny, I even try to accept the nuns from all those years ago!
    So what about the ghosts of Christmas future?
    Accept them. I don’t know whether they will be related to you transitioning or to you not transitioning. I can’t tell whether they will be of me dressing more often or of my wife’s reluctance to sanction that.
    We will find out Christmas by Christmas because our understanding of ourselves and of life will change over those years.
    Plan ahead but don’t sweat ahead.
    Most of our anxieties are about things that never eventuated.
    Life is good.
    We are good.
    And again to quote the Bible just once more “Fuck the ghosts of “Christmas future”.
    Stay safe. Don’t go to Sydney’s northern beaches for the next two weeks and this Christmas will be a little brighter.
    Geraldine

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Thank you so much Geraldine for making me wet my pants..😂🤪😂. Your use of Latin and the way you strong your past participles together is superb 👏👏
    I know we are haunted by ghosts, created by ourself and society…..a large part of it is called guilt. Love what you wrote and I agree wholeheartedly with your thoughts.
    Wishing you and you family a wonderful Christmas and a fantastic new year. ❤️❤️. Life is so good.
    Stay safe….. Definitely crossing NSW off for Xmas. 🤪😱
    🙋🏻‍♀️🌹♥️

    Liked by 2 people

  3. What a heartfelt post Jenny. I wish you all the best the Christmas season, but hopefully, to steal your analogy just like Ebeneezer after dealing with his ghosts you will find the path towards the brighter future that you truly want.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Merry Christmas DeeDee
      You are so lovely 🌹🌹
      After watching enough movies I realize that ghosts can be exorcised and they should not be allowed to haunt you. But that takes time.
      Wishing you and your family an awesome and safe Christmas. Y’all are doing it tough. 🙋🏻‍♀️🌹♥️

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Jenny, thanks for the nice and interesting way you have applied the Christmas ghosts (Dickens used spirits). I have no conflict with the ghost of Christmas past, but the ghost of Christmas present gives me a time to set aside some reflection on were I am on life (very content at the moment), and the ghost of Christmas future beckons all the possibilities my life could provide me (such as bottom surgery).

    Liked by 1 person

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