When I finally told my wife about my crossdressing and Jenny, during the conversation she asked “Why?” At first I did not understand what she was asking, so I think I answered something about having this inbuilt drive to express myself as female. She interrupted my monologue and asked “Why are you like this?” “Why do you need to express yourself this way?”
That question stopped me in my tracks and it dawned on me that I did not know the answer to the fundamental question of WHY I have this void in my being that needs to be satisfied. I told my wife early one morning as we lay in bed. I had planned the conversation, rehearsed what I was going to say and practiced my responses until I felt I was ready to have that talk. I had even written a letter for my wife to read later on, to help her absorb what I was going to tell her. That question threw me and as I struggled to answer, I felt more and more vulnerable, I felt my frustration with myself rise and I found myself doing something I was determined not to do. I started to cry.
Question:- “Why do you want to dress as a woman?” Answer “Because it makes me feel at peace with myself.” In some ways is only a partial answer, because the question itself is ambiguous on many layers. The response given can also be unsatisfactory and sometimes leaves more questions than answers. I suspect if you ask this question to a group of crossdressers, the variety of answers would be a varied as there are people in the room. I once answered “Because I was born this way”, which I think covers my reasons but opens up a series of questions that become hard to answer.
Using a medial example, if you have high blood pressure or Hypertension, you might get headaches if not treated. It’s reasonable to answer the question of why do I have headaches?, with because I have high blood pressure. In fact, all that answer is saying is that you have a symptom “High blood pressure”, which is causing another symptom, “headaches”. If you look at treating Hypertension you have to find the cause, which could range from renal artery stenosis, thyroid disease along to primary hypertension of which there is no identifiable cause. If you can’t find the cause, you then have to look at the risk factors, like obesity, smoking etc. to reduce the hypertension, then treat with medication. So if I crossdress, is there an underlying reason for why I need to do so?
So what about the theory of Autogynephilia. I suppose there are people who identify and can relate to the reasoning behind this theory. I have briefly known people who find crossdressing a very sexual experience and do find they are sexually oriented toward the thought or image of themselves as a woman. This is their motivation for dressing and even transitioning, but I would suggest it is more on the fringe than the norm. Maybe I am too confused or dysphoric to feel positive about those desires, as I cannot relate to that way of thinking. Even if it is true, I would suggest that Autogynephilia is a symptom not the reason and for some that might be valid.
I have always felt that I was born this way. I did not wake up one morning and decide I wanted to put on a dress or that it would be nice to be a girl. These feelings and desires have always been a part of with me for as long as I can remember. I have brown eyes, I am right handed and am 6 foot tall. If someone asked why are you like this , I would probably answer genetics. Unfortunately there is no real evidence which I am aware of that would suggest my gene sequence is responsible for my “Trans-ness”. If it did, I wonder if grandpa Joe or uncle John were more aligned to me that I thought. (Interesting limited study Gene variants provide insight into brain, body incongruence in transgender: https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2020/02/200205084203.htm )
There has been suggestions that that the hormones that trigger the development of sex and gender in the womb may not function adequately and could be the reason for the way we feel. Basically (the following is paraphrased from various article and not all my own words.) Studies suggest that gender dysphoria may have biological causes associated with the development of gender identity before birth. Research suggests that development that determines biological sex happens in the mother’s womb. Anatomical sex is determined by chromosomes that contain the genes and DNA. After the eighth week of pregnancy, the chromosome from the father (an X for a female and a Y for the male), gains in activity. If the father’s contribution is the X chromosome the baby continues to develop as female with a surge of female hormones. This helps develop female sex organs, reproductive organs and features. If the inherited chromosome from the father is a Y there is a surge of testosterone and other male hormones that lead to development of male characteristics, such as testes form. If there is excess female hormones from the mother’s system or if there is within the foetus an insensitivity to the male hormones (androgen insensitivity syndrome (AIS)), it may be the root cause of gender dysphoria. This would mean, anatomical sex from the genitals may be male, while the gender identity that comes from the brain could be female.
Obviously more research is needed on this subject, but for my sanity I would like to understand why I am who I am. It would be much easier to explain if, indeed, we are born this way and this was part of our development within the womb. There is then a logical reason which we can live with, accept and then get on with our living our lives the way we want.
The danger is that if it is a hormonal develop issue in the womb, some do-gooding researchers may find a way to eradicate this cause and destroy our ability to exist. Wiping us out, before we have the chance to develop and creating a binary system. I am horrified at this thought and would fight against such an act. For all the anguish being Jenny gives me, I am blessed that I crossdress and I am trans. I know I would rather fade away, that give up my uniqueness.
I would love to know your thoughts and idea on this. Also if anyone has some good links to the subject, feel free to share. If I am missing the point or completely got it wrong, help me. I am always searching for answers to my life.