Is There an Answer To WHY?

When I finally told my wife about my crossdressing and Jenny, during the conversation she asked “Why?”  At first I did not understand what she was asking, so I think I answered something about having this inbuilt drive to express myself as female. She interrupted  my monologue and asked “Why are you like this?”  “Why do you need to express yourself this way?” 

That question stopped me in my tracks and it dawned on me that I did not know the answer to the fundamental question of WHY I have this void in my being that needs to be satisfied.   I told my wife early one morning as we lay in bed.  I had planned the conversation, rehearsed what I was going to say and practiced my responses until I felt I was ready to have that talk. I had even written a letter for my wife to read later on, to help her absorb what I was going to tell her.  That question threw me and as I struggled to answer, I felt more and more vulnerable, I felt my frustration with myself rise and I found myself doing something I was determined not to do.  I started to cry.  

Question:- “Why do you want to dress as a woman?” Answer “Because it makes me feel at peace with myself.”   In some ways is only a partial answer, because the question itself is ambiguous on many layers.   The response given can also be unsatisfactory and sometimes leaves more questions than answers.  I suspect if you ask this question to a group of crossdressers, the variety of answers would be a varied as there are people in the room.   I once answered “Because I was born this way”, which I think covers my reasons but opens up a series of questions that become hard to answer.

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Why I am I like this?

Using a medial example, if you have high blood pressure or Hypertension, you might get headaches if not treated.  It’s reasonable to answer the question of why do I have headaches?, with because I have high blood pressure.  In fact, all that answer is saying is that you have a symptom “High blood pressure”, which is causing another symptom, “headaches”.  If you look at treating Hypertension you have to find the cause, which could range from renal artery stenosis, thyroid disease along to primary hypertension of which there is no identifiable cause.   If you can’t find the cause, you then have to look at the risk factors, like obesity, smoking etc. to reduce the hypertension, then treat with medication.    So if I crossdress, is there an underlying reason for why I need to do so?    

So what about the theory of Autogynephilia.  I suppose there are people who identify and can relate to the reasoning behind this theory.   I have briefly known people who find crossdressing a very sexual experience and do find they are sexually oriented toward the thought or image of themselves as a woman.  This is their motivation for dressing and even transitioning, but I would suggest it is more on the fringe than the norm.  Maybe I am too confused or dysphoric to feel positive about those desires, as I cannot relate to that way of thinking.   Even if it is true, I would suggest that Autogynephilia is a symptom not the reason and for some that might be valid.

I have always felt that I was born this way.  I did not wake up one morning and decide I wanted to put on a dress or that it would be nice to be a girl.   These feelings and desires have always been a part of with me for as long as I can remember.  I have brown eyes, I am right handed and am 6 foot tall.  If someone asked why are you like this , I would probably answer genetics.  Unfortunately there is no real evidence which I am aware of that would suggest my gene sequence is responsible for my “Trans-ness”.  If it did,  I wonder if grandpa Joe or uncle John were more aligned to me that I thought.      (Interesting limited study   Gene variants provide insight into brain, body incongruence in transgender:   https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2020/02/200205084203.htm )

There has been suggestions that that the hormones that trigger the development of sex and gender in the womb may not function adequately and could be the reason for the way we feel. Basically (the following is paraphrased from various article and not all my own words.)  Studies suggest that gender dysphoria may have biological causes associated with the development of gender identity before birth. Research suggests that development that determines biological sex happens in the mother’s womb. Anatomical sex is determined by chromosomes that contain the genes and DNA. After the eighth week of pregnancy, the chromosome from the father (an X for a female and a Y for the male), gains in activity. If the father’s contribution is the X chromosome the baby continues to develop as female with a surge of female hormones. This helps develop female sex organs, reproductive organs and features. If the inherited chromosome from the father is a Y there is a surge of testosterone and other male hormones that lead to development of male characteristics, such as testes form.   If there is excess female hormones from the mother’s system or if there is within the foetus an insensitivity to the male hormones (androgen insensitivity syndrome (AIS)), it may be the root cause of gender dysphoria.  This would mean, anatomical sex from the genitals may be male, while the gender identity that comes from the brain could be female.    

Obviously more research is needed on this subject, but for my sanity I would like to understand why I am who I am.   It would be much easier to explain if, indeed, we are born this way and this was part of our development within the womb.   There is then a logical reason which we can live with, accept and then get on with our living our lives the way we want.   

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I am happy I am who I am. Happy that Jenny is me, but would love to know why?

The danger is that if it is a hormonal develop issue in the womb, some do-gooding researchers may find a way to eradicate  this cause and destroy our ability to exist. Wiping us out, before we have the chance to develop and creating a binary system.  I am horrified at this thought and would fight against such an act.  For all the anguish being Jenny gives me, I am blessed that I crossdress and I am trans. I know I would rather fade away, that give up my uniqueness.

I would love to know your thoughts and idea on this.  Also if anyone has some good links to the subject, feel free to share.  If I am missing the point or completely got it wrong, help me. I am always searching for answers to my life. 

10 thoughts on “Is There an Answer To WHY?

  1. Unfortunately, since we are human beings, it is impossible to apply logic to what we do.
    I suppose you could explain it as gender is on a spectrum and yours leans towards the feminine end.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. True Cyrsti. If only there was an answer that 99% of the population could understand, then I feel we would be free to live our lives the way we want without fear of repercussions. This lack of knowing why makes us a target for the bigotry of those who don’t understand.
      As for logic, this last year has shown that humans are incapable of applying it 😢😢

      Like

  2. I’ve had this question for so many years.
    I’ve never really found a good answer, but I do think it is a combination of nurture and nature.
    From that yes we are born to this mostly and the reason for that is many things.
    I found out that when my mom was pregnant with me in her 6 month we had to move 400 miles away because my dad lost his job, which from what I’ve read stress on the mother can effect the child in the womb. Was that the only factor? I doubt it but it could have released hormones that effected me. Also I was the youngest of 3 so there’s that nurture thing.
    I finally did just give up and accepted myself as to who I am, gender fluid and I’m ok with that.
    My gender ebbs and flows but I know God loves me just as I am and that is how I want to treat others as well with love and caring

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I feel you are right Rach, like so many things there is never a one correct answer. Life is always complicated 😳 it’s wonderful that you have found your equilibrium and are at peace with who you are.♥️

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey Jenny, every journey begins where you are at. I was not one that was aware of my gender until nearly 55. I only new I was a woman at 59. All this probably wouldn’t have happen without overcoming a life of early alcohol and drug addiction and 30+ years of depression and anxiety after getting sober. At 54 I began to actually invest in my treatment, and that was the key for me, I have been able to turn around pessimism and cynicism to be come positive and personally no longer cynical. I still hold a good deal of cynicism to the world solving its problems.

    I am a very fortunate transgender woman. Many many other trans* persons do not have. I am forever grateful for that. I feel for those that are less fortunate, and wish to work to make the world a better place for all trans* persons. For now in small ways, but hopefully in more significant ways. I have just been accepted in a trans* mentorship programs, soon to start my training.

    This is just my intuition, which is usually correct and that I have learned to relied on since identifying as a woman, but my feeling about you is that Jenny is in you, I don’t know if you can coax her about to be more and more expressive of your feminine self.

    Still wishing you the best, Stephie

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Stephie
      You are so positive, it’s beautiful 🌹
      You had the strength to move forward and look how far you have come 👏👏
      Good luck with your mentorship program, looking forward to seeing how it goes.
      Your intuition is right. Jenny is here, crying out to become my authentic persona. I am working hard to bring her out to the forefront without destroying my relationship with those I hold dear.
      Stay safe 🙋🏻‍♀️
      Jenny

      Liked by 1 person

      1. If you want me to keep you personally update, so we don’t clog you comment thread, you can contact me through my blog, and I will be sure to reply.

        You did take a step when you reveal some of yourself to your wife. I found measured steps to be best for me, gradually expanding the circle of those I came out too. I always took a deep breath visualize holding a friends hand, and exhaled as I said, “I’m a transgender woman.” That is not to say that would be for you, only you can determine your way forward, and I do hope you will move forward.

        I also took another look at your pics, and the last one is really cute.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi Jenny,

    As you only mention crossdressing, I am not sure if you identify as a woman. That being said I do, and as my assign sex at birth was male. So, I do fit the definition of a transgender woman. However, I mainly thing of myself just as a woman, unless comparison or advocacy (still mostly in the future) requires it.

    Okay, you have written a good post covering moist of the common theories on why someone has feelings not connected with their assigned sex at birth. But, my question (and I can understand why people do ask why among the cis and trans* population) is should it matter. It is my firm opinion that I shouldn’t, and I rarely indulge in asking myself this question, ask myself why. The bottom line for me is it doesn’t matter. I live my life as a woman, and I continue with medical transitioning to help myself to do so for myself and no one else. I, of course, speak only for myself. Oddly, no one I know has personally asked me this question. My girlfriend of 30+ years has not, nor has my therapist or my other medical providers; also, none that I know socially or my parents. So, maybe my view comes for this experience. At one point I wonder what it was to be non-binary, and could never get my mind around it, but than I realized I couldn’t even explain my being a transgender woman.

    Wishing the best, Stephie (Pronouns She.Her)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi StephieGurl. 🙋🏻‍♀️
      I have only been able to express what I feel by crossdressing, which has been from an early age. I have always wanted/needed to be female, but due to being scared, frightened and my inability to act or be true to my real self I have lived a double life trying to fit in with others expect. It’s a cowards life, and I know that I have never been true to myself. As I grow older I am trying to fix my mistakes and become authentic.
      I look up to Woman like you Stephie, you are my inspiration. You have achieved an awareness of self that I have suppressed and I am jealous of what you achieved and are achieving. May you go from strength to strength 👏♥️👏
      I agree you should never need to justify why. Maybe because I come from a science background and I OVERTHINK things, I need to know why I feel this way. At the end of the day for some it’s irrelevant or for others it gives meaning to who they are. I am glad it’s not a question that you needed to look at or question, more power to you.❤️
      All the best
      Jenny🙋🏻‍♀️

      Liked by 1 person

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