The Desperate Act of Purging.

I have only purged twice and have regretted both times. The decision to throw out all my female belongings in an attempt to remove Jenny from my life, came out of a desperation to be a “normal male” and try to conform to how my body is built.  Those were dark periods, during a point in time where the shame, guilt and frustration made me hate who I am. Purging was a drastic and desperate action that, looking back, achieved nothing.

If you search the net, you will be swamped with pages talking about this subject. The anti-crossdressers and those who believe in conversion all write on how import this act is to start your road to “recovery”. For us, living our reality, the need to do so is caused by a variety of reasons.  Many write about the guilt they experience when their crossdressing leads to sexual self-gratification and this can be the trigger that causes them to purge. Others talk about the lack of self-esteem because they are caught in a cycle that is looked upon as unacceptable by family and the community.   These all lead to those negative feelings of being unworthy, especially if we constantly believed we are living a life of shame. Yes, many are scared and so shamed into keeping what we do, a secret.  This constant depressed emotional state of being leads to desperation, as we try and fix something within that we cannot longer live with.  We tell ourselves, if we get rid of the clothes, as they are the triggers, we will be able to sweat it out and get our male lives back, and be able to live a “normal Life”. 

Nothing is achieved by throwing out clothes, except for making space in the wardrobe.

Purge: definition, “To rid of whatever is impure or undesirable”.   This sound harsh and makes it look as if the feminine clothes and trappings which we are throwing out are the embodiment of our impurity. We are making these objects the undesirable evil we need to remove from our lives to restore our equilibrium.  Purging is not the answer.  

Let’s make some generalizations and explore the person who has purged, and naturally, I will include myself in this group.  The first thing that stands out is that they are hiding a secret.  They have not been able to share their feminine side with anyone of significance, and so their trip into womanhood, is a private event, starting behind closed doors. By not opening up to a close friend or partner, you are putting yourself in isolation. You are scare of being caught or compromised and so soak up the fear that comes with secretly putting on that frock.  Then there is the guilt, after all as you are not willing to share who you are, what you are doing must be BAD.

This was my experience.  I had not told my wife yet and so the only time Jenny got out was when the house was empty and I had a few hours to enjoy by myself. As time moved on I found myself being paranoid, making sure I was always covering my tracks.  My clothes were from charity shops as the budget was tight, with my makeup being non-existent or borrowed. I was scared, but yet longed to be “caught”. The stress levels of trying to be Jenny by dressing was unbearable and I mentally snapped.  Emotionally I gathered all my dresses, makeup and female paraphernalia into a plastic bag and dumped it into bin.      At first I felt free, as I closed my mind to all things Jenny.     My resolve was strong, lasting about 6 weeks, until something within was stirred.  Was it the looking at myself in the mirror while shaving and seeing Jenny? The new dress my wife had just bought or watching two ladies chatting away at a café table sipping coffee?  I honestly don’t know, but the calling from within to be Jenny hit me and I needed to set her free.

Nothing good came from purging.  I threw out some wonderful outfits and teased myself for a few months that my dressing and my real feelings were the products of material things.  Purging does not change who you are, it’s just an act of desperation, quite often a knee-jerk reaction to the pressure you are under. 

If I was to be positive about this, I often wondered if purging is the equivalent of  “Control-ALT-Delete” on the PC.   A way to reset or reboot the system.   When I came back from purging the second time, I felt I was starting to see the real me, Jenny, for who I am.    I knew what had sent me spiralling that time and for a better word it was a bad bout of disconnective dysphoria.  I was getting so mentally frustrated and inwardly angry at myself for the dysfunctional life I felt I was living, that I cracked.  I was really upset, as I stuffed Jenny’s possession to a large black plastic bag, determined to finally purge her out of my life.  Everything went.  Three months of hell and Jenny, who had never left saved me.  I learnt that I needed to change.   First thing I did was to phone a counsellor, as I needed help.  What I wanted was to be able to open up honestly to my wife and tell her about what I had been hiding from her for 30 years. Good or bad, I needed to be honest and then accept the consequences, if I was ever to move forward and find peace. 

Learning to be who you are is so important.

I had to rebuild my sense of self, as denial of my lifelong experience would lead to not being able to continue to live.  Jenny acquired some clothes from the charity shop, makeup, wig and shoes.  I started my online presence on Flickr and Facebook.  Positive moves from a negative action. In the few therapy sessions I had, we talked about my goals and ways to achieve them.  Instead of being totally honest and opening up to what I wanted and needed, I dealt with my most pressing need, which was to be able to be open with my wife. I felt that I had to open the closet door slowly and with caution step out into the sunlight.  I just wanted to make small positive moves, not create giant destructive waves.

Hey you must be thinking that this is all sounding selfish and it’s all about ME and my needs.  BUT to move forward, healing and acceptance needs to take place.  Hiding, creates shame and guilt.  Acceptance, creates positivity and a chance to advance.  Honestly, how can you be there for your family if you, are not whole and are suffering.  Sometimes I felt I was being more selfish by lying and hiding Jenny.  By being secretive, I was being self-indulging and living inwardly with no chance to grow.

I told my wife, but I will leave that for another post.  I have not purged since or had the desire to do so.  If I feel down I have someone who is willing to listen and those past dark days seem like bad memories. What we all experience is difficult, made a hundred times worse if you are going through it alone.  If there was one bit of advice I could give about purging is DON’T DO IT.  Rather, seek out someone to talk too.  If you are way hidden, in the closet, try going on line, to forums or just reach out.  Make the effort to seek help to find the underlying cause of why you need to do this. Those who experience that desperation to purge, do so with regret as it rarely achieves peace sought or any of the long-time effect desired. 

On a positive note.  Last year I gave away some dresses.  I did a positive purge to remove old clothes that I no longer wore and to make room in my overcrowded wardrobe.  In all honesty, that felt good.

14 thoughts on “The Desperate Act of Purging.

  1. There is no question most of us girls have done this. I have a few times even one very recent time and it was because I had high hopes of a new relationship that I didn’t want messed up by my girly side.
    Well the relationship fell apart but no not because of my feminine side.
    Yes I regret the purge but thank goodness it wasn’t a complete one.
    I have to say while I have accepted myself as to who I am but the truth is I hate how it does effect a relationship and trying to find one,
    The fear of being rejected is so great.
    I am divorced in part because of Rachael but she’s there and your right likely never to fully go away.
    Being trans is just not easy and I doubt anyone would ever say it is.
    I just wish I was lucky enough to have a supportive partner

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My heart goes out to you Rach. It is a curse that effects most relationships. My partner is amazing, but because I waited years to tell her I gave her an added burdens she would rather not carry. There is still so much fear and stigma in the community.
      Deny our trans identity by acts such as purging just makes living harder. The only way we can make life easier for us and our love ones is to quickly to accept who we are and work at becoming whole.
      Thanks for sharing Rach. 🌹

      Like

  2. You have done a wonderful job with this post, Jenny

    I have to be honest and say I never purge. I have had a few thing thrown out by my parents after I moved due to mental health collapses. I did not have much. But, I was not deeply depresses because I dressed and had as you say sexual gratification. I liked that. But years would go by like 30 or so before I began to dress in earnest. And that only because I manage to conquer my depression and anxiety. I did not really have the notion yet that I could be a woman. I thought it was mainly a sexual thing. But, I dressed as much as I could when my girlfriend went out. Recovery meant that I develop and strong sense of self in that I was able to effectively deal with my feelings. It was about 3 years into dressing that I began to wonder. I just chalked it up to that sex thing. And ignored that possibility. About 4 years into dressing something happened that didn’t even involve dressing or self-sex. I was basically sitting and not particularly thinking about anything, when the notion popped into my had. I feel like a woman. That did lead to one small change in dressing. I began to wear panties 24/7. I still dressed and played when I could. But, coming up on 4 1/2 years and I concluded that without a doubt I was a woman, so no wonder I like the dress. The self-sex thing was about pleasure plain and simple. That was November of 2018. I never looked back. Overtime after coming out to my girlfriend in the following spring, I was slowly able to explore plain everyday dressing. In July 2019 I came out to my therapist and officially started to transition. With a careful plan of slowly coming out to those that provider my mental health care and the ability to dress as a woman at the program I went to. By January 2020 I was socially out. In April that year I began hrt, and in June I made the decision and made the first steps toward gender affirming surgery. I also nave legally change my name to Stephie Iris, keeping my last name.

    Why have I shared all this here. My story may not be the usual one you hear of years of hiding, but I know that others have been inspired by my story. Even if their paths were different. I have also known through social media sites I belonged to many girls who had purged, and for most the reasons were from what you describe in your post. I could sense their heartbreak and I am never without a sadden sense to my emotions.

    I am glad you are through with purging. You are right that it never works. At least that has been my experience in my online friendships. I wish a ton of happiness as you move forward. Yes, I know it will not be all roses. Hell, except for hair my dysphorias they really didn’t begin until I decided to transition.

    All the best,
    Stephie

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much Stephie 🌹
      I enjoyed reading your reply and felt I was listening to you in person.
      Your story is inspiring, as it is a testimony to your strength to accept who you are without being afraid.
      When I talked to my therapist about dressing and self gratification, she pointed out that it’s only a problem if you rely solely on the clothes or the mental image of being female to achieve satisfaction AND that it becomes an obsession. Guilt associated with this comes from a mistaken sense of prudish morality.
      Love “listening” to you.🙋🏻‍♀️
      Stay safe and happy
      Jenny

      Like

      1. I was wondering the other day if I write like I speak, and by your response, maybe I do. It certainly feels like I do, but now it appears that the reader picks up on it too.

        I think I disagree with your therapist. If your sole sexual satisfaction is by dressing and dressing alone then it becomes a fetish, not just an obsession. I have been told by my girlfriend that I was obsessed with transitioning (which involves more than just dressing of course). I was immediately dismissal of her state and related that often at the beginning of transitioning you think about all the time. However, later on I realized how much my transitioning had taken hold of my life. I wrote a post on it. Is it an obsession? If the obsession, however, is a healthy one. I do not see as an obsession because it does not exclude me from doing the other necessary things in my life. The real criteria is just that. I do, however, not only think about my transitioning a lot, I spend a lot of time working on it.

        A note on fetishes. These I see as not a problem if it meets two criteria. One, does it interfere with the important things of life, and two, it does no harm to another, and if it involves another person that it is consensual. I should add that transitioning should not be seen as causing harm, and as such harming others in your life, especially if more harm is done to yourself. This may be trivial, but I do think it makes a valid point. Say you and your spouse both work, but you cannot get to work by means of public transportation. Is it selfish to take the care to get to work, even if that means your spouse (or partner in life) has to take the bus to get to their place of work?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I really look forward to reading your responses Stephie. ♥️
        Of course if your sole sexual satisfaction relies on being dressed it is a fetish. I feel that there are moments in time for me when I feel out of desperation to be Jenny that I become obsessed with trying to be her that it can lead to bouts of Dysphoria. Unfortunately if it gets to bad I do not function well.
        I totally agree with you thoughts on fetishes 👍
        Thanks for your thoughtful replies. As always I really love reading them Stephie. You are a real gem. 🌹

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Thank you so much for such a kind compliment. The first time anyone has called me a gem. It felt pretty nice.

        I did want to clear something up as it was not exactly clear once I reread it. My dressing and self-sex were independent of each other as a lot of the sex took place in the shower. The fact that when I dressed I also had self-sex, was only out of necessity. Being left alone a needed to kill two birds with one stone. And at the beginning there may have been some confusion over the the connection between the two. I mistakenly thought that the dressing was of a sexual nature. Now looking back I see the separation between the two,

        I can understand the connection with your desire to be Jenny, or be able to let her out in the open, can be dysphoric. The causes of dysphoria are manifold. So, everyone carries some bugaboo with them. Some would call it there inner demon. Different things set mine off that I think of them as separate dysphorias, like there is a difference between when I am having bottom dysphoria as oppose to say my voice, or when my face looks to masculine to me. And of course currently the voice crap. There will come a point in time when I have solved the causes of each of these, or decide I just don’t give a shit (pardon my language). Some transgender persons actually do not have any dysphoria, I can’t imagine this, but that is what they report, but it doesn’t make them less “trans.” The only person who should decide on their transgender status is the person themselves. [Sorry if this sounds to preachy, but what can I say I am an opinionated woman, who can get uppity, and yes be a bitch (oops that language again :).]

        Liked by 1 person

      4. You really are a gem 💎 Stephie. a beautiful shinning diamond in this crazy world. Definitely need more if you.
        I fully understand the fact that the dressing and self satisfaction were independent acts and we’re not linked. It is the same for me. Two different needs being fulfilled .
        I certainly agree with everything you are saying 💎 Stephie💎

        Like

      1. Oh Jenny, I hope I didn’t come across as pressuring you to the post now. I only wanted to say, one of your readers at least would like to read it when it is posted. Yes, I can understand reading the few posts I have so far, that it will not be an easy post to write.

        Liked by 1 person

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