It’s been a while, I know. In fact 4 months since I last published on my blog. I have not been hibernating, rather I’ve been trying to cope with the challenges that have been tumbling my way. Life goes on around us, whether we want it to do so or not, and as much as I want to ignore these things that are happening around me, I can’t. In male mode, I feel I can deal with the complications of living but as Jenny I am realizing I struggle to cope. It’s these difficulties I am having that make me recognize how unprepared I am.
I am realistic to know that my “Journey” to become Jenny was never going to be easy but as it progresses, I seem to be experiencing roadblocks, detours and dead ends. These events are frustrating and discouraging, and if I dwell on my progress, I find I become melancholic. Are these dark moods a manifestation of dysphoria ? In truth I don’t know. In the past, my dysphoria has taken the form of being unfocused and depressed, combined with extreme male image self-loathing. Even the easiest tasks become FRUSTRATING to do, as I know I am mentally and physically unsettled. During these bouts I need to quickly retreat within myself, take time out and do things to allow Jenny to take over and repair.
I have always wanted my blog to be positive, to highlight the good experiences and to be constructive. These essays, (for a better word) all comes from Jenny’s experience and what I have observed and learnt through the years. We all are at different points in our journey and although there have been different roads travelled, I am still surprised at the amount of similar experiences we all shared. I am a true believer that, similar experiences through different eyes, will give a unique perspective that will help us learn and grow. (Phew, that was a mouthful.)
I now get so much joy and peace from being Jenny, that when I am unable to be her, I feel empty and irritated. Impatient for Jenny to experience more of the world. Covid, lockdown, curfew and limits take their toll. There is not the freedom to put on a nice dress so I can leave the house and interact with the world. Lockdown has made me lethargic and I find I spend the time when I am not at work in a male/female hybrid state; wearing a skirt without makeup, a dress without a wig and various other things that I know are born out of laziness and fatigue. My justification is that as I work in a hospital and am an essential service, my 9 hour plus shifts are responsible for my lack of attention and positivity. No excuse. I need to fight this self-pity, batshit rationalization. My wife is so weary of my tardiness that she has shut down, leaving me to wallow in my self-doubt. This puts such a negative mark on my cause for her acceptance, as she finds this state of being very disconcerting and off-putting.
About 3 weeks ago I had a Jenny inspired epiphany. I realized that the last few months have been a negative slid down the slope, going backwards. When I am Jenny, I need to be Jenny. She needs to shine, to be happy and engage in the world, Covid or not. Jenny deserved to look her best, she is entitled to be the whole person she is and is not a hybrid being I was letting her become. Jenny is a woman, so I am a woman. I must fight for her femininity by not denying her the right to shine. No more half arse attitude, as Jenny deserves full attention and respect.
So Jenny has started a regular games night. I know this sound silly in this Covid lockdown crisis. It’s Me time, Jenny time. The game I am playing is Mansions of Madness 2. The game uses a computer app which is the “game master” (it controls the setting, creatures and events.) It is a cooperative game, set in the 1920, and inspired by the works of H.P. Lovecraft. *All players are on the same team and win or lose the game together. The investigators’ ultimate goal is to explore the scenario’s map and piece together the evidence and clues required to solve the mystery. In addition, investigators need to overcome various challenges, including fending off terrible creatures, befriending non-player characters, and solving puzzles. *(from the game blurb). It is perfect for playing solo.
I wanted this to be a special night, a sign that I have got my act together. So I went all out, wearing my Dolores Hocus Pocus dress. I had purchased this dress in January, from an amazing shop called Love Daphne. Due to Covid I never got to wear it much and had not ventured out of the house with it on. Every time I went to the wardrobe, this dress would stared at me whispering “wear me, wear me, wear me”. Showered, freshly shave armpits, and feeling pampered, I slipped into the dress. It felt amazing to wear. So feminine and retro. As I moved around, it was a wonderful reminder of how good it was being Jenny.
It was a great night in. I ended up being defeated when Father Mataeo went insane after failing to defeat a Star Vampire. Then, Jenny Barnes and Tommy Maldone barely escaped with their lives, both with their health and sanity taking a beating. Pure escapism, in which I was able to relax, laugh and unwind. So much better than Netflix.
This will become a regular event for me, and have had 2 other games nights since the inaugural one. Mansions of Madness has so many scenarios to play and each game never plays the same. A lot of games still to be had. Looking forward to the lifting of these restrictions and get to play with other people.
Link to Mansions of Madness 2 https://www.fantasyflightgames.com/en/products/mansions-of-madness-second-edition/
I have added Love Daphne https://lovedaphne.com.au/ to my Useful & interesting links page, under online shopping.
I have only bought on line and found Tracey to be a great communicator, providing 5 star service. She has such a great eye for fabulous clothes and there is such a wonderful selection. I believe in supporting local businesses, and this ticks all the right boxes for me.
I am just waiting for this lock down to end so I can get out and about. Unfortunately I can’t justify another dress……yet, but I regularly visit her site. ( So many beautiful dresses…..)