Guilty of Hiding Behind My Excuses.

I been missing in action for “ages” now and for that I do apologise.

Physically I been in good health.  I have experienced the usual sniffles, aches and sore joints, but to date have avoided that pesky COVID.  The virus has attacked all those around me, which makes me think that maybe it’s leaving me till last.  

Unfortunately my mind and my self-perception have been experiencing turmoil and extreme bouts of doubt.  It did not suddenly come on, but has virtually been plaguing me even since I wrote my last blog entry.  This is the crippling effects of my dysphoria, always there ready to strike out of the shadows.  Then I know this is not unique to me.  Most of us have experienced these paralysing attacks that cause depression, inactivity and listlessness that leaches the joy from life. 

When I last wrote, I was feeling a certain optimism that was coming off the back of the “new” Covid “normal” that was descending on our country.  We were opening up, with vaccinations being freely given and restriction being greatly eased.  Restaurants were opening and people were finally getting together again to socialise in groups without limits.  I saw this as a sign that my journey could resume and throw off those shackles of forced hibernation. I was ready to take off the Covid restraints I had placed on myself and engage in a more complete and less restrictive feminine future.  I had these plans, these dreams, which had been stifled for years and now I was ready to take this opportunity to fulfil them.

Then rather than being pro-active, I found myself being the opposite and became totally inactive.  Slowly, my mind and mood changed from an optimistic euphoria, to a deep despondency that has shut me down.    My enthusiasm waned, dissipated by my inability to act.  Something triggered this bout of Dysphoria and I have been in and out of this state of mind for months.  Life goes on around me and I am able to function in male mode at the expense of Jenny and my well being.   I go to work, interact with people and then come home to act out my designated role of “man of the house”.

What I want the most is to live openly as Jenny.   Yes, I crave to start hormone replacement therapy and long to continue my metamorphosis into the woman I want to be.  Years ago, I knew that I had crossed the barrier from being a cross dresser and was now trying to embrace my transgender identity.  The sad reality is that I have been telling myself that I was not ready or in the position to do so.  This is the real problem that I face.   I am fully aware that my inability to move forward is the reason that I am experiencing this despondency and is responsible for my bouts of dysphoria.

There are many excuses that I use to create the obstacles that stop me fulfilling my goals.  These mental roadblocks are hard to solve or impossible to work around.  I am at the stage where I don’t know what to do.  I have lived my life trying to compromise between living in my real world as a mature Dad, man about the house and Mr Fix it, while struggling to grab what little time I have available to be Jenny, who is immature, stifled and unexplored.

I feel I have regressed back into my dark past, back to the time before I told my wife about my crossdressing.  I do blame myself for this, as it is my problem that required a workable solution which unfortunately became a casualty of the COVID upheaval.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not blaming the pandemic for the psychological mess I am in, but rather it was a prolonged provocation that whittled away my momentum, which created uncertainly and closed down my avenues of freedom.  I then found that rather than talk to my wife about other positive ways to express my femineity, I shut down and retreated back to secrets and shadows.

Before the pandemic, there were routines in place that help the two of us.  My wife and I had gone through years of talking, working things out and reaching compromises.  She accepted that I needed to dress and was supportive, in the way that she never questioned what I spent, opened up the wardrobe to accommodate Jenny’s clothes and would often buy me items  or makeup to help me along.  I just had to say when I wanted to be Jenny and there was never an issue.  We would openly talk about the strain it was causing and always look at ways to resolve any issue that might come up.  I knew there was never total acceptance as she rarely saw jenny and always went to her art room with the door closed if she was home when Jenny was around.

Relaxing and enjoying the mood,. This is what I need to rediscover.

Over time, I felt we talked less and, during Covid it became the elephant in the room.  A new dress would arrive and my wife no longer showed interest in seeing it.  We didn’t go out so there was no opportunity to buy “spur of the moment” gifts.  I started to feel awkward about her going to her room to avoid Jenny and so little by little, I felt my problem was eroding our relationship. 

When I first spoke to my wife about my crossdressing, she was totally blindsided.  I told her that I had been dressing up since I was 4 years old and that, from as early as I could remember, I have wished that I was a girl.  I was never fully honest with her about my real Trans feelings and hoped that by limiting my needs to crossdressing I would spare her any more shocks and discomfort.  After all, when I first uttered the words I am a crossdresser, I instantaneously destroyed her view of the future, her place in the world and our relationship.  I had literally plunged her headfirst into a Black Hole of uncertainly and showed her that I was someone who hid things from her, was not trustworthy and maintained a secret life. 

The problem with opening up late in my marriage is that I had thrust on my wife, whether she wanted it or not, my baggage, my insecurities and my problems.   I had had years to work up to this point of telling her, as I was well read and better equipped to know what was happening.  For my wife, in less than an hour I had turn her world upside down.  This is an added guilt for me to carry.  I did not realise how much I had hurt her until after the dust had settled and we tried to solve my problem together.

Fundamental things changed during Covid that reset the reference point of what I felt I could or could not do.  I am less inclined to dress up or put on makeup as I am aware by doing so that I am shutting out my partner.  It’s been months since I was openly Jenny, and although I long for my metamorphosis I am scared to do so.    My lack of communication is at the stage now where I am frightened to warn my wife that I am taking time out to put on a dress.  It’s easier to scream on the inside. 

I don’t know why I am not re-engaging to open the communication channels.  Am I afraid my wife will get angry and berate me? I should not be as she never has in the past.  Am I scared it will open up emotional wounds that has scabbed over?  I am scared that I will hurt her more by bringing it up?  Then maybe is it because I know that I want more and will inadvertently push the border which will lead to the path of no return.  As I said earlier, what I want the most is to live openly as Jenny start hormone replacement therapy and eventually remove those appendages of male hood.  Those wishes have been with me since childhood.

I have also wondered if the way I am feeling could be due to the fact that I am getting older and I know my opportunity to do anything is slipping further away from becoming a reality.  This fact alone is a major factor that plays heavily on my mind.  One cannot stop time and so I must either utilise each day in a constructive and mindful way or sit back and watch the months count down without achieving my dreams.  

The major roadblock is the unknown and the possible devastation I would cause if I started down that path to my complete feminisation.  I tell myself I am being selfish, as too many people rely on the present version of myself.  Many around me will feel I am in need of psychological help and that at my age I must be getting Dementia and so they will devalue and dismiss who I am.  I will hurt those around me as this will hit them out of the blue no matter how I transition.  I will lose family and friends. I will be viewed and judged differently to the extent I will be irrelevant in their lives.  Are these just convenient excuses to use , to allow me to be passive, rather than letting me deal with my feelings?

I think that the most import reason for inaction, is that I know it will hurt the most important person in my life. My wife, my soulmate, my best friend.  We have gone through so much together, seen and experienced all the joys, love and growth that having a wonderful family brings.  She has planned growing old together as man and wife.  I know that wife and wife would not be acceptable.   Jenny has no place in our relationship, other than being my side issue to deal with.  The stupid thing is that I am assuming all this, but live in dread in case it is true.  So again I find myself scare to open up, to openly deal with what is happening.  It seems I am reverting back to my old secretive self as a means of protecting (or is it shielding?) both my wife and I from the truth.

And so another cycle of Dysphoria is started.  If I was proactive I should just face these issues head on, rather than hide and wallow behind my wall of excuses. I suppose if one procrastinates long enough, there will always be another excuse to latch onto.

On a positive note I bought a wonderful tea dress from my favourite shop, “Love Daphne”.  It was on sale and arrived last week.   It reminds me of something out of the fifties.   I put it on a couple of nights ago and it felt wonderful to wear.  I felt at peace.      I just need to move forward and be proactive.   

6 thoughts on “Guilty of Hiding Behind My Excuses.

  1. Hello Jenny! It’s good to hear from you again! I am sad to hear that you are struggling. I don’t think I have experienced dysphoria, so I don’t know how to relate. I have learned most of what I know about dysphoria in the past year. It sounds like it is a big deal, and that it is dangerous to leave unaddressed. You write very well. Perhaps you should write your wife a letter. You might not want to start with, “I want SRS.” 🙂 She is your friend. No matter what, I think she will at least listen. Definitely talk to her about your relationship. I think that talking to your spouse is always a good thing.

    Joey

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much for your thoughts. What you say is so true. My inability to act is making things worse. When I first told my wife a few years ago, I also had a letter ready. Then she had no interest in what I had written. She wanted to talk.
      I feel I have lost the ability to do so. Once again thank you 🙋🏻‍♀️

      Like

  2. I can understand what you are experiencing. Like being in a room with two doors. You can’t see through either but know you need what is behind both, and also that each brings pain. I am a humble CD, so I have a similar situation, but to a much lesser degree.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Silky Girl.
      Your analogy with the doors is so true. The paralysing part is trying to make a big decision so I can move forward.
      Take care 💐

      Like

  3. Hi Jenny,
    It’s good to hear from you again. Only the other day I thought of you and was wondering how you were getting along.
    Apart from the differences in terms of relationships, in that my wife and I are separated (albeit on good terms), I could copy/paste a lot of this post and use it as my own next blog. I can totally relate to all the dysphoria and how everything seems to have stagnated.
    Joey is probably correct in regard to the need to reopen dialogue with your wife, somehow. It’s finding the right time, method and opportunity that’s the problem,
    Hoping things improve for you soon. Take care.
    Tish x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Trish
      I am sure that all of us experience this debilitating stagnation. It’s like a maze with so many paths to take which you don’t know if it’s the right one until you hit a dead end.
      I am desperate to re open those channels of communication.
      What you say is so true.
      Thanks again
      Jenny 🌷🌹

      Like

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