That Letter To My Wife

Thanks for the mail I received from my last blog.  It’s amazing how up lifting your messages of support are to me.  THEY DO MAKE A DIFFERENCE.  Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 

I am working on myself to reconnect the way I am feeling, to how I want to be. 

I sat down with my wife last week and said quietly that we needed to talk.  I think she knew what I needed to tell her, but like a good poker player, she gave away nothing.   Leading up to this I know I had purposely been putting out distress signals hoping she would take up the initiative.  In all fairness, why would she, as it is up to me start the conversation.  I had even left one of my dresses out at the front of the wardrobe, I suppose, as a clandestine way to signal that something was not quite right.  When I got home from work, my wife had put it back among my other skirts and dresses and did not mention my slight transgression.  This is me, inadequately communicating and assuming that other people around me can read minds.   

My wife asked what did I want to talk about and I tried to open up again about how I was feeling and my need to express myself.  She asked why I was not dressing and what was stopping me or holding me back.  Then the penny dropped, my state of mind has nothing to do with my wife.  As I wrote in my last entry, it is one of the excuses I am hiding behind.  On the present information that I have given my wife she is happy for me to continue my present dressing arrangements. The real catch is how she would feel if I really opened up and told her at what stage I am mentally at and how far I would want to go.    I want to regularly let Jenny go out of the house, go to meetings (Seahorse), catch up with local on line friends and explore the world with real support.  To some, these are things that are taken for granted, but they are actions she does not want me to do.  For my wife, it is important that her safety is preserved as well as that of our family and household.  She is emphatic that our/her world is not caught up in the hate, distain and prejudice that is thrown at our community.

The enjoyment of wearing a pretty dress

So the conversation was quickly over, with the understanding on her part that I should just continue doing what I have been doing.  In her mind my “problem” has a very low priority.  Fair enough as a lot been going.  Her parents who lived close have just gone into an aged care facility at the age of 93, as her father has developed mild dementia.  This has left him confused and unable to care for himself.  He realised that this is best for them and enjoys the care, while her mother hates it and likens it to the family locking her away in jail.   The life cycle goes on around me and really does not care if I want to put on a dress or start HRT.  After all these are just micro issues in the grand scheme of the world. 

If only I could work from home.

Some suggested that I write a letter to my wife as a means of reconnecting with her. I thought long and hard about what I would write. A letter can be a wonderful way of expressing yourself if you take time and you can find the right words.   This unfortunately all goes to waste if the intended recipient does not want to read it.

When I first told my wife about my crossdressing, we had been married for 34 years.  I had a letter that I had carefully written and which I gave to her to reinforce what I had just told her.   She did not take it or read it as she wanted to hear what I had to say directly from me, so we could talk about it there and then.

I thought I might include that letter below.  Feel free to use any part of it if it says what you want to say. 

Coming out to you has to be the hardest thing I have done as I have lived in fear of this day all my life.  I must be honest with you as I can no longer live with this secret bottled up and see it eating away at our lives.   I have always tried to be truthful and open with as you in everything we do.  You are my only soulmate, best friend, lover and lifelong companion.  I tried all these years but I know I have betrayed you in keeping this from you.  

I am so, so sorry that I have been unable to be honest with you from when we first met.  Cross dressing has been a part of me ever since I can remember, and I have been living with the guilt, shame and worry of what it would do to us.  

I have tried so hard to stop doing it, make it go away and become normal. This desire or need has been with since I was 4 as that was the first time I remember putting on my mum’s dress. this is an inbuilt part of me, and I wonder if it’s part of my DNA. 

 I know I have pretended it was never there and that it was not impacting on our lives.   But the truth is it has and will continue to do so.   There are times when it has consumed every thought, paralysed me making me distance and “not there”.  

 I have never told you about this as I have always been too scared of what would happen.  When I first met you,  I fell in love instantly and believed that this part of me would  magically go away.  I should have told you then but I was so scared that this would turn you off and that you would have nothing to do with me. 

I truly believed that getting married would cure me.  But in those early years the need to dress did come back.   In an inadequate way, I tried to drop hints to you about what was I was feeling, but I was never honest enough to tell you.  So instead of telling you right out, I would end up shutting down.  Sometimes the urge would go, for months and at one stage for years.  But it has always returned. 

I have always been too scared that this secret of mine would hurt you, and that it would force you away.  This is my curse and something you did not sign up for.  I have lived in fear that if you knew you would leave.

Its hard to explain why I do it.  Once dressed I feel At Peace. Calm and Relaxed. Content. Fulfilled.

Afterward, I battle a whole range of emotions.

Shame – the feeling that I’m doing something wrong, and that anyone who found out would ridicule or otherwise hurt me

Self-Loathing – not really in control of my feelings about what I am doing, but hating them all the same because they are likely to cause problems for me and could hurt the people I love.

Depression – Not being able to be what I want NOW, not seeing where this is going, not really able to bottle up my feelings anymore but not usually able to act on them either.

Lying – Sick of all these years lying, being deceitful sneaking behind your back and hiding things from you.

I am so sorry for not telling you when we first met so you had the choice to decide then.  I am so sorry for telling you now and so turning your world upside down.

Please forgive me and try not to hate me.  We will work something out. 

Remember this was to be read after that conversation, as a way to explain what I was feeling.

So that what I wrote then, unedited and raw.  I think totally different to what I would write now.    Maybe it’s a good thing she did not read it.

Knowing what I have lived through, I would have told my wife as soon as we had got serous, back when we were first going out.   Then who knows what life we would being living.   Emmmm……….Interesting thoughts.

A sliding door moment.!

15 thoughts on “That Letter To My Wife

  1. The positive thing to come out of this, Jenny, is that your wife isn’t against you continuing with the arrangement you already had in place and, particularly noticeable, is that she questioned why you had drawn back from it. So you know that your boundaries are safe within that.
    What I believe is important for all of us though is the ability to relieve the pressure by receiving validation from others. You do this in part by having this blog, and you know we all support and love you on here, but real life validation is important too.
    You mentioned the Seahorse meetings, and I’m assuming that they have a changing space available for those who are unable to travel in their true form, as our group always provides. Would it not be possible to negotiate one afternoon or evening a month to enable you to go there in order to give Jenny a social life? It’s just a thought.
    Love and hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love your insights Trish.
      Compromises are so important, but I feel I have grown greedy and need more. Here lies my problem.
      This present climate of hate and ridicule towards our community has only increased her fears of insecurity about what I want.
      Still I know keeping the communication going is the most important thing to do. But I do realize that it has to be a two way thing.
      Thanks so much.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Whenever I read these kinds of stories my heart always hurts for you and those of us that must fight through this side of us with those who love us.
    What I will never understand is if they love us why is it so hard for them to just see this is just a part of us and maybe they don’t love it but it’s still who we are.
    My 35 year marriage ended and while I was never perfect me being trans should have never be a reason to leave if she had loved me enough to look passed this
    I hope you will always keep those lines of communication open and you will find a way to be you

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Rach.
      I know my wife loves me, but not Jenny. Her level of acceptance varies on a month to month basis. This makes it hard as on a selfish level my needs are heading down a path which will require more compromises.
      I have to work harder so we both understand each other better. When I get these waves of dysphoria I seem to unintentionally close down those lines of communication.

      Like

  3. Thanks so much for posting the letter. It completes so many thoughts and fills in so many holes. They are the words I cannot say and don’t know how to write. The thoughts that do not know how to come out.
    I am sure that you have helped more than you can possibly imagine.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You are so kind Silly Girl.
      Normal life makes it so hard for us to just be ourselves, to just be who we are. We have to explain our actions, our silences, our feeling. Even to those we love, we have to justify why we are “different” give them answers which we do not have.
      No wonder it’s easier to close down.

      Like

  4. Thank you for sharing such a personal letter and one so beautifully written as well.

    I think it can be difficult to find a solution that works for all parties, but certainly compromise and keeping open communication seem important elements to it.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Lynn.
      I often feel that part of my defense mechanism is shutting down. This i suppose is the worst thing to do as it closes communication down.
      I know it is selfish of me but sometimes I need a large piece of cake rather than subsisting on crumbs.
      I think that’s what I am scared to tell my love one.

      Like

  5. Hi Jenny, I just discovered your blog and have read the last couple of your posts. First, you are a beautiful writer and you are expressing so much of what I am feeling better than I could express it myself. We are in very similar life situations and I myself feel I’m stuck at a crossroads. I too feel the clock ticking and the increasing pressure to decide my path going forward before it’s too late. Covid restrictions knocked me off my path and I have had difficulty regaining my footing. In my heart, without any doubt, I know who I am. I so want to live authentically but I have a wonderful family and life that will all be jeopardized if I go forward. I am paralyzed with fear, not wanting to hurt anyone and risk losing everything while at the same time not being able to live with the thought that I will never be able to live as the woman I am. I have kicked the can down the road for as long as I can, I know I must take proactive steps towards transitioning or learn to accept the crushing thought that it will never happen. I wish I had helpful advice for you in your situation. All I can recommend is whatever you do, include your wife. Share your thoughts and hopes and fears, take her along on the journey, wherever it may lead. She is your best friend and soulmate, she loves you. Wherever you end up, it will be easier on her if she is a part of the process and can come to terms with everything in real time as you do yourself. Otherwise she could feel like it’s a second bombshell dropped on her when you finally do fully open up to her. Now I just need to follow my own advice with my wife. Much easier said than done. You are not alone my friend. I wish you much courage, strength, clarity and luck.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Dearest Tracey
      Moving forward along the path which we desire will unfortunately change our lives and those we love forever. I desperately want that changed but how can I compensate for the hurt this would cause. This is one of the many issues we all face.
      Oh to have a crystal ball. I love the way you say you have been kicking the can, it sums up our situation well.
      If you are like me, I fear it’s the procrastinating behind excuses that does not help anyone and ends up killing my relationship by a thousand pinpicks.
      Take care 🌹

      Like

      1. Jenny, I also have used excused throughout my life to push off having to make this decision. Wait until kids are grown, wait until I’m financially independent, wait until my wife is onboard. Now these have more or less been attained I realize how much of my excuse making is based upon my pure fear. Fear of change, fear of loss, fear of the current political climate, fear of not passing, fear of being an outcast. Primarily, I just don’t know if the changes are worth all the pain I would cause. Perhaps a middle ground could be your solution. Create time and place for Jenny to get out and express herself on a regular basis while maintaining your other roles and requirements in your life. Don’t know that is enough or would help? We want it all but perhaps realistically that is not possible in our situations.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. So true Tracey.
        I had a good middle space and maybe like you COVID came along and messed it.
        Are changes what I want worth the gamble and uncertainty. Oh to have a crystal ball.
        Depending on how much the need gets me, I could just let it happen and be happy. But then I feel so selfish for even think so

        Like

    1. Hi D. 🙋🏻‍♀️
      Thanks for stopping by.
      I just love your Carrot Ranch site and I am totally absorbed with it. So much to read, so much to enjoy. I am so glad I slipped down this rabbit hole.
      I started my blog to give Jenny a voice, to be honest with myself and to help anyone who is traveling on my road. I suppose it’s a form of self affirmative therapy. 🫣
      Look forward to lots of 99 words.
      Thank you. 🌹

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I am happy you found Carrot Ranch. You’re right, it’s a great place and there’s a lot there. (But you’re wrong to call it mine, it is Charli Mills’ spread, though I sometimes help out when she’s stuck in airports.) Either way, welcome to the Ranch. The 99 word challenges are great practice.
        There’s no shame in self affirmative therapy.

        Liked by 1 person

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